Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper


Dear Holly,
I used to have a loving boyfriend who treated me like a princess. However, since the World Cup began, my boyfriend has been spending every single waking hour either watching football or talking about football, and barely acknowledges my presence. I’ve even tried to show an interest in football just to get him to talk to me, but as soon as I open my mouth to discuss the offside rule and how it makes me feel, he just blows a vuvuzela in my face and turns back to the telly again. Do you think I should place an official complaint with FIFA?

Dear Lorraine,
The sooner you realise that ladies and football don’t mix, the happier you’ll be. Girls have lots of other, more fun sports available to them, such as netball, hockey, or the egg and spoon race. Your boyfriend is simply indicating that football is far more important than some stupid girl and that you need to go and play with your dollies for a while. If you keep on trying to talk about football, people will start writing things about you in the toilets, such as ‘Lorraine is a big fat lezzer’. If I were you I’d stop worrying, get out your favourite tea set and forget all about having a boyfriend until this is all over.
Hope that helps!


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