Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

08-09-10

Dear Holly,
I’m suffering from a rather embarrassing problem in that I am finding it nigh on impossible to achieve an erection and I can’t work out why. The other evening, after the usual 17 pints, nine pork pies and 60 Lambert and Butler, I staggered home from the pub and roused my snoring wife for a spot of heavy intercourse. After she’d put her teeth in and taken a quick dump, she parted her remarkably hairy thighs as I drunkenly attempted to mount her. But after 15 minutes of flaccid humping, nothing was stirring so we gave up and watched Foyle’s War instead. My wife reckons the Feng Shui in our bedroom is slightly off. Is she right?
Marcus,
Lowestoft

Dear Marcus,
I am alarmed to hear of your wife’s hairy legs – are you sure she’s really a lady? My sister says that all women have to shave their legs if they ever want to get married in order to conform to the misogynistic norms prevalent in our society. I don’t have a clue what she’s on about, but I do know that Mrs Cunningham, the music teacher at my school, has massively hairy legs and a big hairy mole on her chin, and no-one wants to marry her either. According to Sophie Walker, she lives in a swamp, eats dead babies for tea and practices monkey voodoo. If I were you I’d double check to make sure your wife isn’t really a man, or worse still, a voodoo witch like Mrs Cunningham. The fact that she’s talking about Feng Shui indicates that her interests lie in the dark arts. I suspect she’s bewitching you with her evil ways thus preventing your from achieving full engorgement.
Hope that helps!
Holly

 

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