Your problems solved, with Holly Harper
It’s once again time for my work Christmas party and this year I have vowed to ensure I don’t go home alone. I have my eye on a couple of prospects: Sheila from accounts whose husband recently died, and a woman called Maria who works on reception and has some manner of palsy. Neither of them is particularly young or good looking, but when you’re as desperate as I, you have no choice but target the weak and the lame. The only problem is that sad old women like Sheila and Maria tend to go home early from these types of things, before you’ve had a chance to slip anything into their drinks. Can you suggest any clever techniques for holding someone against their will without leaving any visible marks?
If your office party is anything like the Christmas disco at my school, I can see why Sheila and Maria would want to make an early exit. Try to envisage 150 small children, all simultaneously experiencing a prolonged and intense sugar rush whilst dancing vigorously to Agadoo. Coupled with the narcotic properties of fairy cakes, everyone is so incredibly over-excited about the fact it is nearly Christmas that all manner of mayhem can occur. Last year, Tracy Slater got so worked up about the prospect of sitting on Santa’s knee that she urinated lavishly all over the dance floor in the school gymnasium, causing mass panic and several nasty injuries – a scenario made all the more terrible by a persistent strobe light and the Birdy Song playing at full volume. Plus Oliver French was up to his old tricks, hiding in the Christmas tree with his winkie hanging out like a sorry piece of old tinsel. I’m not sure if it was this novel interpretation of yuletide decoration, or the enormous amounts of jelly and ice-cream consumed in a very short space of time with a plastic spoon, but whatever it was, it prompted at least three individuals to be violently sick in the PE cupboard, and I’m sure one of them was a teacher. Ultimately, if you value your sanity, I would forget about Maria and Sheila and just go home to bed. However, if you insist on going to the party, I’d recommend bringing a spare pair of pants, just in case, and steer well clear of any weird, flesh coloured Christmas baubles.
Hope that helps!