Your problems solved, with Holly Harper


Dear Holly,

I have received an invitation to a street party this weekend, to mark the occasion of the nuptials between Prince William and Kate Middleton. I believe it’s an old Chinese proverb which says, ‘neighbours, ev’ry body needs good neighbours’, but frankly, I’d rather have my head hacked off with a chisel than spend any time with the worthless cretins who share my postcode. Instead, I was thinking of taking the opportunity of hiding out in the attic with an air gun and picking off a few of the worst, including that bitch from number twelve who lets her fat dog defecate on my lawn. Is that terribly mean-spirited of me?


Dear Edna,

Although your neighbours may be unbearable, I’d advise against boycotting the street party – unless you want to get chained up in the Tower of London. We learned all about the Royals in school and believe me, they’re a weird bunch. This is probably because until Kate Middleton came along, they were only allowed to breed with each other. Apparently William was originally betrothed to Princess Anne, but after it was discovered that, due to rabid inbreeding, Princess Eugenie has five bumholes, the Queen decided to allow some extra genes into the family pool. Unfortunately, once Kate’s womb has been used to produce the future Monarch, she will probably be executed like Mary Queen of Scots and Anne Robinson. So if you don’t want to go the same way, I’d get out there and start enjoying those cucumber sandwiches, and be grateful that at least your neighbour at number twelve only has one dog, unlike the Queen who probably lets all those corgis do their filthy business all over the place – not to mention Princess Eugenie.

Hope that helps!



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