Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

08-06-11

Dear Holly,
One of my so-called ‘friends’ has apparently been slagging me off on Facebook and Twitter and I’m not willing to let her get away with it. The person in question is always nice as pie when we’re face-to-face but as soon as she’s online she’s tweeting about how I don’t know what day of the week it is or updating her status to say she hopes she doesn’t have to sit next to me at lunch because the smell of piss puts her off her minestrone. Can you believe her cheek? To make matters worse, this place only has one computer which she’s always hogging so I can never get online to check what she’s been saying about me. I’ve asked one of the staff here if I can get access to a laptop but they just smile at me and tell me to take my medication. How can I stop this two-faced elderly cyberbitch before my reputation is ruined forever?
Queenie
Park View Care Home
Guildford

Dear Queenie,
It’s at times like this when you need to forget about social networking and get back to basics by having a good old fashioned playground scrap. Put the word out after morning assembly that there’s going to be a fight and by lunchtime you’ll have half the school standing in a circle in the playground clapping and baying for blood. Remember to remove your tie and any valuables such as marbles, pipe cleaners or conkers so they don’t get lost in the scramble. As your opening move, grab your opponent’s jumper and swing them round several times to disorientate them, following up with a swift and decisive push to the middle of the back, winding them and sending them flying on to the concrete where they’ll hopefully get a nasty graze to the hands and knees. By this point, you’ll need to make a quick exit, because the teacher will have spotted the fracas, spilled his coffee down his shirt and be wading angrily through the crowd towards you. The nearest hiding place is behind the portacabins where Stacey Diddle takes boys to show them her pants. With any luck the teacher will collar someone else or get distracted by a dog turd on the football pitch and you’ll be free to fight another day.
Hope that helps!
Holly

 

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