Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

06-07-11

Dear Holly,
My boyfriend of 3 weeks has just asked me to marry him. Even though I still don’t know his middle name, and I’ve only seen his pee-pee once, I am seriously considering the option, mostly because I suspect I’d look lovely in a veil, plus I could do with some new crockery. Am I being too hasty?
Melissa
Gateshead

Dear Melissa,
It all depends: did he dare you to marry him or just ask you straight? If the former then unless you’re willing to go for the double dare, you pretty much have to go ahead with the wedding. Even if you do double dare him, there’s always the chance that he’ll have the rare power of double double dare, just like my big sister, and you’ll end up having to marry him anyway. The only thing which trumps a double double dare is if you had your pinkies crossed at the time the original dare took place and are willing to swear on your granny’s false teeth whilst hopping on the spot. It’s better to avoid situations involving any type of playground lore in the first place if you can: I once got embroiled in a game of ‘Ip Dip Dog Shit’ with Cindy Spencer and, after losing miserably, was left with no choice but to write ‘Mr Beddows is a mouldy jobby’ on the blackboard as a forfeit. Needless to say, Mr Beddows caught me at it, I was sent to the naughty table, and that bitch Cindy made off with my favourite pink pencil sharpener while my back was turned.
Hope that helps!
Holly

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