Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

21-09-11

Dear Holly,
Every Tuesday evening, while my wife is out at her exercise class, I like to have what I’ve come to think affectionately of as a ‘zumba wank’ to relieve the day’s tension. I close the curtains, switch on the telly and beat one off to that fresh-faced Welsh lassie from the One Show. Unfortunately, last Tuesday I was mid-stroke when my wife returned unexpectedly and now she just keeps crying all the time and won’t even look at me. Is there any way I can erase her memory without causing terrible brain damage?
Dennis,
Felixstowe
 

Dear Dennis,
Unfortunately, unless you know Harry Potter or one of his magical chums, I don’t think memory wiping is a realistic option. Perhaps instead you could do what my sister did when she caught me reading in her diary about how she sharted during double geography and had to hide her pants in a plant pot: just hold your wife roughly by the throat, pull her pigtails and tell her you’ll remove the heads from all her Barbies and stamp on her favourite tea set if she doesn’t forget everything she’s seen and never talk of it again. It works a treat.
Hope that helps!
Holly

 

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