Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

16-11-11

Dear Holly,
I’ve been amassing a personal collection of dildos for many happy years. As my 40th birthday is approaching, I thought I might showcase my efforts in a more public arena by writing to the producers of The One Show or possibly The Antiques Roadshow (some of my ‘pieces’ are quite old) and offer myself up for interview. My only worries are that: 1) people might not fully appreciate my impressive collection; and 2) Fiona Bruce might make off with the Black Mamba when my back is turned. Should I throw caution to the wind and ask the world to join me in celebrating my dildos?
Claire Dew,
Stourport-on-Severn

Dear Claire,
Aren’t dildos extinct? I’m sure my teacher said they were. Anyway, well done you for sticking with it and building up a big collection, but try to resist becoming a big show off because it’ll end badly for you, just like it did for a girl in my class called Sharon Eccles. She thought she was the bees knees because she had 3,407 miniature frogs in her prized collection. True enough, she did have some excellent specimens, but they lost their charm after she brought them in to show everyone in assembly and got completely over-excited and sharted in front of the whole school. After that, no-one really cared about the thousands of rubbish frogs, they just wanted to catch a glimpse of Sharon Eccles sobbing with embarrassment while Mrs Roberts took her off to find the spare pants in lost property.
Hope that helps!
Holly

 

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