Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

28-12-11

Dear Holly,

The Archbishop of Canterbury got it right
in his speech this year when he said “everyone in the UK is a total
arsehole”. Assuming he means me too, I’ve decided to cleanse my soul by
giving all my Christmas presents to charity, with the exception of the
Kindle. And the iPhone. And the Nike trainers.  Fuck it, I’ve changed my
mind. I’ll keep the lot and take my chances in hell. What’s it like
down there? 
Graeme,
Oakham

Dear Graeme,

Hell
is where Satan lives. Satan is God’s ex-wife. They don’t
talk to each other any more, except when God comes to pick up the
kids. I’m not sure where Hell is, exactly, but it’s hot there so maybe
near Spain? Or possibly it’s my Auntie Lynn’s house because we went
there for Christmas day and I heard my daddy telling mummy it was “Hell
on Earth” because he only got one glass of wine at dinner. He also said
that Auntie Lynn was “a self-righteous cow who knows nothing of
politics” and my mummy said “she needs to rethink her curtains”. I know
this because I wrote it all down and I’ll tell her all about it in my
thank you card. If hell is my Auntie Lynn’s house then it’s not so bad,
just make sure you call shotgun on the camp bed first because if you
have to share with cousin Peter you’ll be soaked in wee by 2am.
Hope that helps!
Holly
 
 
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