Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly

I feel terrible, having got unbelievably hammered, done a shameful sexy dance on a table and told everyone exactly what I think of them. I even assaulted someone. I’ll never be allowed back to the annual church garden fete. How can I undo this embarrassing social indiscretion and make it up to the vicar for breaking his jaw in three places?


Market Deeping

Dear Betty,

That sounds like the time Heather Pickles ate too many Sherbet Dib Dabs at playtime and shat in the art cupboard. Aside from the fact that she ruined a perfectly good pile of crepe paper, she also got skidmarks on our class Olympics frieze, and we had to completely re-do Chris Hoy’s face. Heather was sent to the headmaster’s office in lost property underpants; the entire class was forced to ruthlessly bully her for the rest of the term; and now she has an anxiety attack at the mere mention of liquorice.

Hope that helps!