Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I've come into a bit of money recently, and I am considering giving a large chunk of it to charity. I'm hoping that by giving something to those less fortunate than myself, it will tip the karmic balance and this sexy blonde girl who works in my office will finally let me pump her. Surely, when she finds out I've donated to a worthy cause she'll start to look beyond my receding hairline and beer belly and want to ravish me for being so righteous? Do you think giving to charity is a viable strategy for getting laid? It seems to me that everyone's a winner.

Dear Bruce,
I would be very careful about giving any money to these so-called 'charities'. Take 'Children in Need', for example. They get all those famous people to go on telly and beg for money, but as far as I can see, they never actually do anything to help children. I certainly haven't received any help from them: not when my favourite Hannah Montana glitter pen got wedged up my little brother's nose and never wrote properly again; or when my granny forced me to eat corned beef and broccoli until I nearly vomited; or even when Stuart Richards chased me round the playground with a used jonny on the end of a stick, trying to wipe it on my favourite cardigan. Where were 'Children in Need' then? When I really needed them? And while we're on the subject, this AIDS thing is obviously made up too. Our teacher spent all last month telling us not to touch other people in case they had swine flu, and then suddenly we're supposed to be making pretty posters to encourage everyone to give all the AIDS people a hug? It makes no sense. If I were you, I'd spend your windfall on something worthwhile, like an Angelina Ballerina and stop worrying about made-up charities and/or blonde people.
Hope that helps!