Your Problems Solved With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I've been single for a few years now, and as I'm 35, it's only a matter of time before my lady garden closes to the public for good and my ovaries turn to dust and are blow away on the wind. So on the advice of my complacent married friends, I have reluctantly decided to begin internet dating in the hope of finding a suitable husband. Aside from the usual fears about ending up dismembered in a wheelie bin, I'm worried that it might all go wrong and everyone I meet up with will turn out to be a balding loser. Can you give me any advice on how to avoid this?

Dear Heather,
Apparently, in the olden days, there was no such thing as the Internet. In fact, there were no computers or mobile phones or X-Box 360s either. I know! Can you even begin to imagine how pointless life must have been back in the 1980s when the only sources of entertainment were Australian soap-operas, the Radio 1 Sunday chart countdown and Buckaroo? No wonder people went on strike all the time. I have no idea how people ever managed to make friends or have a relationship back then – forget about Facebook, texts and email – the only viable channels of communication available to them were photocopiers and primitive TV remote controls. So while you're getting all whiney about having to resort to Internet dating, just be grateful that you have that opportunity at all, unlike our poor mummies and daddies who have witnessed first hand what it's like to use a fountain pen, and whose only hope of ever finding love was by donning flammable turquoise leisurewear, drinking half a bottle of Mirage and doing The Lambada in some smelly nightclub in Hull.
Hope that helps!