Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
There’s a young girl who’s just started work in my office who has piqued my interest with her rather spectacular bosoms. I’ve tried several strategies to break the ice with her, such as sitting on the corner of her desk with my legs spread and a macho glint in my eye whilst massaging my crotch with a stapler, but this doesn’t seem to have worked thus far. I am beginning to suspect this woman might be representative of the rest of her sex and ultimately prove herself to be a complete waste of my time. So before I use up any more energy in demonstrating my physical prowess and extreme intellect, I would appreciate some tips on how to ascertain whether she’s worth the effort in the first place.

Dear Dave
Whenever I want to get to know someone a little better I invite them to my house for a sleepover. Just being able to see someone in their pyjamas can give you a much better sense of their personality. Unfortunately, sometimes you discover that the person is a complete weirdo and then you’ll have to take steps to disassociate yourself from them. For example, I used to quite enjoy being Sharon Eccles’ partner for Music and Movement every Tuesday afternoon, but I soon changed my opinion of her after I’d invited her to spend the night. For starters, she eats a pizza from the centre outwards, has never seen an episode of Eastenders and has a really gay pair of rabbit slippers which she wears in bed. Plus she makes a strange slurping sound in her sleep and I’m sure she farted accidentally while we were watching The Little Mermaid. Obviously, after that I was forced to stop being friends with her, and our team dynamic during If You’re Happy and You Know It has never been the same since, but you’d do the same if you’d lent your favourite teddy out and got it back smelling of sick. So If you really want to get to know this girl, just ask her if she wants to stay over at your house tonight. Tell her there’ll be Monster Munch  and ice cream and that your mummy will let you stay up until 10.30pm. She’ll be a fool to turn you down.
Hope that helps!