Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The other day, I was in a nightclub, pulling my usual snake-like moves on the dance floor, when I spotted a pair of girls eyeing me up from the bar.  Performing an on-the-spot risk assessment, I attempted to select one of them for intercourse. One was hot from the neck up, but her body was rather too Michelle McManus, while her friend had a rack like Katy Perry but a face like Dot Cotton. Being a man of simple tastes, I went for the Katy-Dot combo, hoping that a few beers would take the glare off. However, you can imagine my outrage when I discovered too late that the apparently glorious breasts were, in fact, a cleverly concealed pair of chicken fillets, and that my conquest was pretty much all Dot and no Katy. I am considering taking this woman to court. Can you recommend a good lawyer?

Dear Roger,
I think perhaps a cheaper option would be to just use your imagination. Sometimes you have to make the best of things, and play ‘let’s pretend’ to get the desired result. For example, in school today we learned all about the Muslim festival of Eid, which is celebrated at the end of Ramadan. After having to go hungry for a whole month, everyone is ready for a feast. Our teacher told us that some Muslims will sacrifice a goat or a sheep as an offering to God, who I suppose is pretty hungry too by that point, although I don’t know why he can’t be content with a Pot Noodle or something. When we tried to recreate the festival of Eid in the playground, we were fine with the fasting bit (I gave our lunchboxes to a passing tramp) and we came up with the ingenious idea of using our swimming towels as salwar kameezes. Unfortunately, we couldn’t find any goats or sheep to slaughter. Thankfully, Oliver French had the bright idea of gathering together a small selection of insects, plus a frog he’d been keeping in his pocket, to use as sacrificial offerings. Although somewhat distressing, it seemed to do the trick. Overall, I’m not sure any of us really learned anything about Islam, but we had lots of fun and discovered that a Daddy Long Legs can carry on living for several seconds after you tear off its wings. Most importantly, we made do with what we had, and that is always a better option than being disappointed.
Hope that helps!