Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I think maybe my wife is keeping something from me because she’s been acting really weird of late. She’s started spending all her free time with a close female friend, even staying over some nights. She’s also changed her appearance, having cropped her hair, acquired a tattoo and several facial piercings and has swapped her usual twin set and pencil skirt for trousers. Whenever she’s home, more often than not she’s glued to an episode of Bad Girls or Lip Service, or listening to the latest Pink album. I can’t for the life of me work out what is wrong with her, and wondered if you might be able to help. Do you think it’s the menopause?

Dear Geoffrey,
Have you tried sneaking a peek at your wife’s diary? Chances are you’ll find the answer in there. My big sister writes down all her biggest secrets in a book she keeps hidden in her knicker drawer. She thinks no-one knows it’s there but I’ve been reading it for months. Most of the stuff she writes is inane babble about how much she wants to rub herself all over Aston from JLS, and that some girl in her class called Cindy Hendry is a complete two-faced bitch and a slut. But occasionally there’s a small gem of information, such as how her new boyfriend, Billy McHugh, has massive testicles. I’m not really sure what testicles are but I expect they’re some sort of big boy marbles or something. Anyway, my sister has invited Billy for tea next Wednesday so I’ll just ask him when we’re at the table if he will show us all his enormous testicles.  Maybe, if I ask him nicely, he’ll let me play with them.
Hope that helps!