Five resentment-packed gifts that say 'I regret signing up for Secret Santa'

04-12-17

UNINSPIRED gift ideas for those who wish to God they’d never agreed to do Secret Santa.

Secret Santa always seems like such a great idea when you’re high on festive cheer and that line of coke you did to get you through a meeting about fiscal responsibility.

Now you’re faced with having to buy a meaningful gift for Phillip from accounts, with whom you’ve had a single conversation about the broken light in the disabled toilet.

Here are five totally uncreative gift ideas that say: ‘I’ve put no thought into this whatsoever and I could have spent that fiver on someone I actually know.’

Generic mug

A mug is a great way for the recipient to get hot drinks into their mouth, and unlike a cock ring it has no uncomfortable sexual subtext.

Three pack of Primark boxer shorts

Coming in a fetching array of grid-like patterns, these budget boxer shorts are the perfect gift for any man with a groin, or for a female recipient would smile at the inference that she has a penis.

A sock with googly eyes stuck on it

When is a sock a craft project? When it has googly eyes stuck on it. Then it’s ‘Socko’ or ‘Mr Sock’, a faithful nylon friend who tragically lost his partner in a washing machine accident.

Catering size bag of Basmati rice

’Ooh it’s heavy,’ they’ll say. ‘I wonder what it is.’ Perhaps it’s a jumper or a nice coat from River Island? No, it’s a massive bag of rice.

Anal beads

Saucy and perhaps a little flirty, it’s a string of latex beads to be inserted into the recipient’s rectum during sex. A brilliantly broad-minded way to celebrate the birth of Christ.

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