For sale: Luxury Shard apartments representing everything wrong with world

THIS is your chance to live in a massive steel penis like something out of a depressing science fiction film.

Following a lack of popular demand, we are proud to re-offer these soulless megaluxe dwellings that would suit truly the worst people on earth.

The accommodation is arranged in three-story duplexes with wipe-clean surfaces that are perfect for removing DNA evidence.

This is your chance to gaze out over London and its ant-like poor and say ‘mine, all mine’, before retreating to your vast sterile bedroom and enjoying another night of those terrible dreams about being chased through a forest by wolves with childrens’ faces.

Spacious bathrooms give you ample room to curl up naked on the floor and weep, wracked with guilt about whatever you did to earn your obscene wealth.

All in all, a unique opportunity to live in something that should never have been created, alongside a high-end bunch of deeply disturbed bastards.

Price: On Application/Your soul

Contact: Satan or his emissaries

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'Have I told you I'm in therapy now?' asks friend who talks about nothing else

A WOMAN who has started therapy mentions it in every single conversation, it has emerged.

Susan Traherne, 29, is delighted with the progress she is making in analysis, and loves relaying that information to friends, colleagues, acquaintances and people who sit next to her on public transport.

Friend Mary Fisher said: “I used to feel like I was her therapist, so I was glad when she sought professional help, but now I feel like she’s trying to recruit me to a cult instead.

“We were talking about The Sopranos the other day and it turned into a tribute to the power of therapy.

“Even when I told her I was buying a new sofa and she started bollocking on about the one in her therapist’s office.

“A chat about the weather turned into an account of how therapy has taught her to view negative thoughts as dark clouds in an otherwise blue sky.”

Other sources have voiced irritation with Traherne’s use of the terms ‘reframing’, ‘radical self-care’ and ‘self-actualisation’, which are now liberally scattered throughout her speech.

Meanwhile, Traherne’s therapist Roy Hobbs said: “That poor girl. In my professional opinion, she’s surrounded by a pack of absolute selfish fuckbags.”

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