Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It's not unusual for a doctor to ask for a stool sample but it is generally considered bad form if they do it on a first date.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You've managed to ride out the recession thus far by using the simple expedient of having bugger-all money to begin with.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If I only could, I’d make a deal with God and I’d get him to swap our places. So you can do some washing up for a f**king change.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Paying to join that uniform dating site proves a total waste of money as there’s nobody else on it dressed as a snowtrooper from Empire Strikes Back.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your television debut sees the family crowd around the TV at 3am to watch you dry hump a Nokia on Babestation.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It's called 'Avengers Assemble' presumably because 'Chronic Masturbators and Sociopaths Assemble' wouldn’t fit on the poster.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
Why not take a blurry black and white photo of your mandingo using Instagram and get the whole office to coo over it by telling them it’s an ultrasound of your firstborn kid?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week will be a series of unexpected journeys, meeting new people and facing difficult challenges. Yes, you’re going to jail.