Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You'll spend most of this week feeling very pleased with yourself, demonstrating just how easily pleased you are.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you give birth to a fart of such ferocity that you feel compelled to name it before it makes landfall in southern Florida.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Many people imagine how it'll end for them - charging into battle surrounded by brothers in arms, diving in front of a speeding car to save the life of a loved one, or trampled by a bull in Pamplona? All I'm going to say to you is 'anal trauma'.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Buffalo mozzarella, fresh peppery rocket, iberico ham and a drizzle of extra virgin olive oil. Just some of the things they don't sell in Iceland and you've therefore never eaten.

Your astrological week ahead with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Go to Morocco. There you will meet a man named Hassan who will ask whether you enjoy the works of Proust. He will drive you to the foothills of the Q'altar mountains. At the summit is a man that, legend has it, knows how to stop Windows downloading updates.

 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week your hangover becomes so all-encompassing that the Dignitas clinic sends you one of it's special cups of tea.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you regret telling the landlord that you would do 'anything' to have your bar tab cleared while licking your lips seductively as you find yourself sucking petrol out of the cars in the pub carpark for his BMW.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you learn that the difference between a strip club and a burlesque show is a juggler, an air of smugness and an extra £20 to get in. No chance of an oily tug for an extra 50, either.