Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After being star-struck when you walk past a minor Eastenders actor during a visit to London, it briefly occurs to you that, given every action has an equal and opposite reaction, the actor must have briefly felt pleb-struck.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Congratulations on losing four stone! Only three more bits of that whole "Boring, pig-ignorant, big fat shitbag" thing to deal with. Good luck!

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Good news as your pseudodocumentary Made In Hoxton, which follows the semi-scripted adventures of a bunch of unforgivable, sneering TV pricks, is given the green light.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Financial disaster as your website rating MPs by their sexiness is hit with several thousand lawsuits for vomit damage.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Either you're trying to grow a moustache or you've had an armpit implant on your top lip. Either way, you look like a Frenchman.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
This week try to strike a balance between career, romance and being denied bail.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
This week will  consist mostly of complaining vociferously about press intrusion into personal lives whilst privately wanking yourself soppy over the photos.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
Kids do say the funniest things, but mostly they say annoying, repetitive shit.