Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Time to break out the nice wine glasses as you find a bottle of Asti in the park that you're almost certain hasn't been filled with urine.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It's okay, mine humps people's legs too. So was yours born like that or did the midwife drop it on its head?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
They say that 'comedy is tragedy plus distance' so why did nobody laugh when you prodded that grieving widow with a blackboard ruler?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will try to enter America's Next Top Model. She will kick you in the nuts.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You've been telling everyone that Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy is an elegantly-constructed and beautifully-acted piece of film making, because that's what you heard somebody else say when you were walking out of The Smurfs.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You'll spend most of this week feeling very pleased with yourself, demonstrating just how easily pleased you are.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you give birth to a fart of such ferocity that you feel compelled to name it before it makes landfall in southern Florida.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Many people imagine how it'll end for them - charging into battle surrounded by brothers in arms, diving in front of a speeding car to save the life of a loved one, or trampled by a bull in Pamplona? All I'm going to say to you is 'anal trauma'.