Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week two Wall Street billionaires swap your life with that of a homeless man for a dollar bet. After three days the homeless man is begging for his old life back.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After being star-struck when you walk past a minor Eastenders actor during a visit to London, it briefly occurs to you that, given every action has an equal and opposite reaction, the actor must have briefly felt pleb-struck.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Congratulations on losing four stone! Only three more bits of that whole "Boring, pig-ignorant, big fat shitbag" thing to deal with. Good luck!

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Good news as your pseudodocumentary Made In Hoxton, which follows the semi-scripted adventures of a bunch of unforgivable, sneering TV pricks, is given the green light.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Financial disaster as your website rating MPs by their sexiness is hit with several thousand lawsuits for vomit damage.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Either you're trying to grow a moustache or you've had an armpit implant on your top lip. Either way, you look like a Frenchman.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
This week try to strike a balance between career, romance and being denied bail.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
This week will  consist mostly of complaining vociferously about press intrusion into personal lives whilst privately wanking yourself soppy over the photos.