Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week your hangover becomes so all-encompassing that the Dignitas clinic sends you one of it's special cups of tea.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you regret telling the landlord that you would do 'anything' to have your bar tab cleared while licking your lips seductively as you find yourself sucking petrol out of the cars in the pub carpark for his BMW.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you learn that the difference between a strip club and a burlesque show is a juggler, an air of smugness and an extra £20 to get in. No chance of an oily tug for an extra 50, either.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
At the third stroke, your life will enter a far deeper phase of utter meaninglessness. Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeep.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you phone your broadband provider to ask if they do a 'Masturbating Music Thief' package.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you're quitting smoking, it's a lot easier if your other half knows how it feels to give something up, which is why you've secretly been slipping crack into her Weetabix each morning. Until today.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Still no word from the Dragon’s Den about your asparagus-flavoured baby milk that lets you know when your baby’s pissed its nappy.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Time to have your bowels examined after you take a dump at a music festival and the Portaloo throws up.