Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. Mind you, she also said that One Direction were just like the Velvet Underground.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your blind date describes herself as 'warm, bubbly and lots of fun' which either means she's overweight or she's a jacuzzi.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

The great thing about the Kindle is that people on the bus can’t judge you based on what you’re reading and you can concentrate on what happens after the dog runs after the red ball.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Time to break out the nice wine glasses as you find a bottle of Asti in the park that you're almost certain hasn't been filled with urine.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It's okay, mine humps people's legs too. So was yours born like that or did the midwife drop it on its head?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
They say that 'comedy is tragedy plus distance' so why did nobody laugh when you prodded that grieving widow with a blackboard ruler?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will try to enter America's Next Top Model. She will kick you in the nuts.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You've been telling everyone that Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy is an elegantly-constructed and beautifully-acted piece of film making, because that's what you heard somebody else say when you were walking out of The Smurfs.