Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Good news as your pseudodocumentary Made In Hoxton, which follows the semi-scripted adventures of a bunch of unforgivable, sneering TV pricks, is given the green light.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Financial disaster as your website rating MPs by their sexiness is hit with several thousand lawsuits for vomit damage.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Either you're trying to grow a moustache or you've had an armpit implant on your top lip. Either way, you look like a Frenchman.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
This week try to strike a balance between career, romance and being denied bail.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
This week will  consist mostly of complaining vociferously about press intrusion into personal lives whilst privately wanking yourself soppy over the photos.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
Kids do say the funniest things, but mostly they say annoying, repetitive shit.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
The local council officer asks you take take down the bunting and the trestle tables for the street party after realising it was to celebrate the 74th birthday of Saddam Hussein.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
You're right, George. You know what was missing when the Queen married Prince Philip? A stoned Frankie Laine doing a cover of Leaning On A Lamppost.