Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your upbeat attitude, positive outlook and unquenchable optimism prove that you obviously haven't been paying attention.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's y...really? Well this is a tad awkward.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your reputation for being a wise leader is further undermined this week when you assume that Britain and America would not dare to get embroiled in an unwinnable war that goes on forever.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your workmates are unimpressed when they have a charity collection for Japan and you refuse on the grounds that Mick Karn was a poor man's Simon Le Bon.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I hate doing Pisces. It always has to be about you, doesn't it? But what about me, eh? WHAT ABOUT ME?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week, convince colleagues that you're actually playing air-accordion rather than wafting away a hefty bout of guffing.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Spice up your love life by trying something different this week, like running it under a tap once in a while, for Christ's sake.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
An interesting eight seconds later this week as the last few moments of your life are spent realising that your entire journalistic career has been spent making an already dreadful world marginally worse with your pinch-mouthed hateful rambling.