Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Silence around the Christmas dinner table as your uncle says he hasn't seen that much meat stuffed up the same bird since he was in Bangkok with the Merchant Navy.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you complete your novel about a dejected historian who becomes convinced that inanimate objects and emotional situations encroach on his ability to define himself. It needs a car chase.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week delight your colleagues by having an opinion about everything. It will give them new material to make fun of you with when they all meet up in that pub they never invite you to.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you will be made illegal in every country in the world except Wales.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Saturn's been sat outside your house in his car for two hours now with the engine running, smoking endless cigarettes and carving shapes into the dashboard with a flick-knife. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
De Babylon, dem mek I and I gwan be a bad bwoy, seen? And that, m'lud, is the case for the defense.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The bank manager tells you to stop wasting his time when you ask for a loan to start a Zionist search engine called 'Netan-Yahoo'.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your song-title based 'jape' was both childish and insensitive, but at least you didn't use Shaduppa Your Face.