Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
Kids do say the funniest things, but mostly they say annoying, repetitive shit.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
The local council officer asks you take take down the bunting and the trestle tables for the street party after realising it was to celebrate the 74th birthday of Saddam Hussein.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY)
You're right, George. You know what was missing when the Queen married Prince Philip? A stoned Frankie Laine doing a cover of Leaning On A Lamppost.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Bundling the defenceless wives of an already-marginalised minority whose extremist wing have a penchant for blowing things up into the back of a police van? Clever stuff.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your upbeat attitude, positive outlook and unquenchable optimism prove that you obviously haven't been paying attention.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's y...really? Well this is a tad awkward.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your reputation for being a wise leader is further undermined this week when you assume that Britain and America would not dare to get embroiled in an unwinnable war that goes on forever.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your workmates are unimpressed when they have a charity collection for Japan and you refuse on the grounds that Mick Karn was a poor man's Simon Le Bon.