Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
As a caring individual, you always make sure the meat you buy has come from animals that had a half-decent life before they were hacked to bits and wrapped in plastic like a lorry driver's last victim. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In eight years, Hitler managed to gain and lose an empire that stretched the breadth of Europe, while in the same amount of time you've just about managed to paint your bathroom. Even taking into account all the bad Nazi stuff he's still better than you.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A romantic weekend away is the perfect opportunity to pop the question your soul has demanded the answer to but your heart has dared not ask. Just don't use the word 'dirtbox'.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Summer lies dead on the ground, Spring is just a distant glimmer on the horizon and in between stretches a barren, frozen wasteland of dark mornings and biting arctic winds that seek out life and kill it. Still, at least there's X Factor, eh?

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The people who say that the best form of revenge is a life well-lived have clearly never pissed through the letterbox of a dole officer who's turned down your sickness benefit claim.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Extra flavour can be achieved by placing cloves, star anise and garlic under the skin. If they're circumcised, just swab it with Marmite.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Put the fun back into suicide notes by blaming a completely innocent person for your fractured mental state.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As Jupiter moves into a position between Mercury and Venus, make sure everyone has given their written permission before you switch on the camcorder.