Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
An awkward moment this week when you see your ex on the arm of somebody who looks remarkably like you. Except he's got hair and teeth.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your new girlfriend is quiet and unassuming, maybe slightly aloof, as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. And of course, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, what with you keeping her in the freezer.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I dream of where I don't have to put up with my pig-fucking, redneck aunt and uncle and the old bitch that's trying to kill my dog.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your foray into Satanism fails this week after reciting the Lord's Prayer backwards does not conjure up the devil but does makes you sound like an Estonian.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The book you're currently reading is a sensitive and subtle portrayal of a young man's loss of innocence in the pre-industrial Midlands and as such is not a patch on Andy McNab's Towel-head Armageddon.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Should an action be judged on its moral intent or on its benefit to society? And can either method be used to justify you repeatedly having sex with your neighbour's dog?

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
With the calls of red macaques in your ears, you wake up on Wednesday to a sweeping vista of golden veldt through which a lowing herd of wildebeest graze a broad, lazy path. I don't care if it sounds racist, but Guildford's just not the same anymore.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
After establishing that it's not a competency issue, a personality clash or a gap in training needs, your are finally dismissed for coming into work on 'casual Friday' dressed as Der Fuhrer.