Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Summer lies dead on the ground, Spring is just a distant glimmer on the horizon and in between stretches a barren, frozen wasteland of dark mornings and biting arctic winds that seek out life and kill it. Still, at least there's X Factor, eh?

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The people who say that the best form of revenge is a life well-lived have clearly never pissed through the letterbox of a dole officer who's turned down your sickness benefit claim.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Extra flavour can be achieved by placing cloves, star anise and garlic under the skin. If they're circumcised, just swab it with Marmite.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Put the fun back into suicide notes by blaming a completely innocent person for your fractured mental state.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As Jupiter moves into a position between Mercury and Venus, make sure everyone has given their written permission before you switch on the camcorder.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I'm afraid you're decision to swap your office chair for a bottle of White Lighting means you can no longer describe yourself as a 'functioning' alcoholic.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Or put some clamps on it and had it pierced. Slamming it in a kitchen drawer would have been interesting too.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Why not finally ruin the promise of your early directorial career by releasing what appears to be a big-budget remake of Mortal Kombat with the word 'Bender' in the title?