Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As Jupiter moves into a position between Mercury and Venus, make sure everyone has given their written permission before you switch on the camcorder.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I'm afraid you're decision to swap your office chair for a bottle of White Lighting means you can no longer describe yourself as a 'functioning' alcoholic.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Or put some clamps on it and had it pierced. Slamming it in a kitchen drawer would have been interesting too.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Why not finally ruin the promise of your early directorial career by releasing what appears to be a big-budget remake of Mortal Kombat with the word 'Bender' in the title?

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair. 'Pearl necklace' my giddy arse.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Success in the Dragon's Den as you secure £500,000 worth of investment in your machine that fires snakes at Duncan Bannatyne.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
So no-one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA. Good.

Your Astrological Week Ahead...

Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If you love somebody, set them free. Stockholm Syndrome is a wonderful thing.