Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Should an action be judged on its moral intent or on its benefit to society? And can either method be used to justify you repeatedly having sex with your neighbour's dog?

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
With the calls of red macaques in your ears, you wake up on Wednesday to a sweeping vista of golden veldt through which a lowing herd of wildebeest graze a broad, lazy path. I don't care if it sounds racist, but Guildford's just not the same anymore.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
After establishing that it's not a competency issue, a personality clash or a gap in training needs, your are finally dismissed for coming into work on 'casual Friday' dressed as Der Fuhrer.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Our destiny can be shaped from birth, and this is certainly the case with you as you continue to flail through life screaming, covered in lumpy slime and being slapped by complete strangers.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob


Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As a child you would always play with the boxes the toys came in, so your wife shouldn't be too surprised this week when she comes home to find you wearing her cocktail dress.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The onset of British Summer Time sees you in a jauntier mood this week as you reduce the tog number of the duvet you hide beneath while sobbing uncontrollably.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week your boss at the CIA drags you from the relative obscurity of a junior research post and sends you on a mission to establish contact with a rogue Russian submarine commander who is either intent on firing his missiles at the United States or defecting with his entire crew. When you do finally meet him, don't forget to ask which part of Edinburgh he's from.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Being asked if you want the usual is not a source of pride when it's in the canteen of the local magistrate's court.