Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week your boss at the CIA drags you from the relative obscurity of a junior research post and sends you on a mission to establish contact with a rogue Russian submarine commander who is either intent on firing his missiles at the United States or defecting with his entire crew. When you do finally meet him, don't forget to ask which part of Edinburgh he's from.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Being asked if you want the usual is not a source of pride when it's in the canteen of the local magistrate's court.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Spring is definitely in the air as you spray your colleagues' desks with your pungent urine and strut up and down in front of the large-breasted temp, ostentatiously displaying the lining of your new jacket.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Got some worthless opinions you want to share? Why not stick them on the internet under a piece of correctly spelled and punctuated prose which has been written by someone who has actually thought about it? You're just so clever and articulate. Will you marry me?

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Peeling wallpaper? Leaking shower? Broken tiles in the kitchen? I wonder if they're in any way connected to the suspiciously stained sofa, the early morning cans of Kestrel Super Lager, and the fact you're watching One Tree Hill in charity shop underpants?

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week, pop into your local B&Q warehouse and ask the staff to give you a list of valid reasons why they think they are so much better than you.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The sudden breakdown of a long-term relationship can be a challenging time but it has been nearly five days. So shut up.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You have a busy work and social life, with your duties as a magistrate, Sunday league referee and chair of your local neighbourhood watch. So why not take an hour every now and again to mind your own fucking business?