Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You've tried hard to juggle your domestic family life with a series of sordid one night stands and longer running affairs with deeply damaged and needy individuals. And it's worked. Well done.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Oooh, ahhh. Just a little bit. Oooh, ahhh. A little bit more. Oooh ahhh, just a little bit. You know what I'm looking for.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Everybody loves popping bubble wrap, but not everybody buys rolls of it from Staples, moulds it into a lifesize replica of Catherine Deneuve and then rubs themselves against it until they burst.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It's reassuring to see you started the New Year as you mean to go on - drunk, naked and covered in someone else's urine.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Marinate in red wine overnight on Christmas Eve, rub with garlic, pan fry with shallots, ginger and chilli, roast gently for two hours, allow to cool, then throw out and desperately phone every takeaway in town attempting to order a pizza.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your secret Santa this year contains a pair of odor eaters, a ten pack of Boots Staydry pull-up belted incontinence pads, a bumper bottle of Febreze and a large tube of 'personal area' deodorant.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Boom shakalakalaka, boom shakalakalaka, boom shakalakalaka boom. And so forth.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Take it easy this week because this is an accident-prone time for you when driving, walking, jogging or standing still beneath the rapidly growing shadow of a grand piano.