Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The sudden breakdown of a long-term relationship can be a challenging time but it has been nearly five days. So shut up.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You have a busy work and social life, with your duties as a magistrate, Sunday league referee and chair of your local neighbourhood watch. So why not take an hour every now and again to mind your own fucking business?

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A partnership working approach, aligned with diversionary intervention projects and a parenting support plan might get your child back on track. Or you may just want to take a belt to the little fucker every now and then.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You've tried hard to juggle your domestic family life with a series of sordid one night stands and longer running affairs with deeply damaged and needy individuals. And it's worked. Well done.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Oooh, ahhh. Just a little bit. Oooh, ahhh. A little bit more. Oooh ahhh, just a little bit. You know what I'm looking for.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Everybody loves popping bubble wrap, but not everybody buys rolls of it from Staples, moulds it into a lifesize replica of Catherine Deneuve and then rubs themselves against it until they burst.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It's reassuring to see you started the New Year as you mean to go on - drunk, naked and covered in someone else's urine.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Marinate in red wine overnight on Christmas Eve, rub with garlic, pan fry with shallots, ginger and chilli, roast gently for two hours, allow to cool, then throw out and desperately phone every takeaway in town attempting to order a pizza.