Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) On Friday you will smear pudding on Nicole Scherzinger's face and rather than laugh, she'll go f**king spare.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Trouble at work this week, when the search for a missing stapler uncovers your life-sized Gregg Wallace doll made of Post It notes.
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) You're a big fan of steampunk, as it's much more healthy than fried punk.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Having not shaved for a week you realise your beard actually looks quite distinguished. Now to find some earrings to go with it.
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) On Thursday you'll go into a little booth and do what you do every five years. Have a shower.
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week for your 18th birthday you get to open the sealed box your parents put together the day you were born. Inside is a slip of paper saying 'Get a job'.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You sicken me. No, not you, the one stood next to you.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) As an existentialist from Grimsby you’ve always believed that Hull is other people.