Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Really? You honestly can't hear that? It's your phone, isn't it? I mean, it's on your desk, the screensaver is a gurning photo of one of your ugly kids and it’s been ringing for the past five minutes. Can you just. Please. Answer. Your Fucking. Phone.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The Eighties are back in style and you continue to be a trend-setter this week by beating a coal miner unconscious and racially abusing people from a football terrace. 

Your Astrological Week Ahead...

Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You've never valued wealth or material things, believing yourself to exist on a higher, more spiritual level. So you won't be at all interested to find out the contents of your rich spinster aunt's will when she drops dead this week. You make me sick.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Avoid jury duty this week by claiming you're a virulent racist with an alcohol problem and attention deficit disorder. Don't overdo it, though, or you might wind up becoming a magistrate.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Love is in the air this week as somebody throws a used condom out of a moving car and it lands in your mouth.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
An eventful week for you as you manage to get banned from every Tesco in Britain after being caught fornicating with the rotisserie chickens. Twice.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The sun in Libra brings up old issues in your relationship with your partner that both of you had hoped you had laid to rest for good. How very, very helpful. Prick.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As the flames dance shadows across your wide-eyed, cackling face and the sound of sirens grows ever louder, there can be no doubt that branch of Wetherspoons will never short-change you again.