Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Saturn hands you power and responsibility but Neptune keeps on undermining you by telling everyone you slept your way to the top. Which, let's be honest, you did.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Get some decent photos taken. When you go missing, your family will have to use that one from six years ago where you look like a twat. And no-one's going to stay up all night looking for a twat.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
There are times when you are so spiritual and ethereal you put the rest of us to shame. But mostly you're just a money-grubbing, sex-obsessed arsehole.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You have arrived at a point of power. Take the funny three-pronged thing attached to the plastic string and stick it in. Now can you see the ghost-people talking in the box?

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Hurry to clinch that non-aggression pact you are secretly negotiating with a large nearby state whose people and ideology you despise and then invade Poland.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Write down 15 things about yourself that are lowering your confidence. And don't just go for the really obvious ones.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Venus brings back some old faeces from the past, but luckily Saturn has the number of a cheap and reliable 24 hour plumber.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Even a well-adjusted Aries can find it hard to know whether to compromise or confront. And you are a completely mental one.