Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Avoid jury duty this week by claiming you're a virulent racist with an alcohol problem and attention deficit disorder. Don't overdo it, though, or you might wind up becoming a magistrate.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Love is in the air this week as somebody throws a used condom out of a moving car and it lands in your mouth.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
An eventful week for you as you manage to get banned from every Tesco in Britain after being caught fornicating with the rotisserie chickens. Twice.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The sun in Libra brings up old issues in your relationship with your partner that both of you had hoped you had laid to rest for good. How very, very helpful. Prick.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As the flames dance shadows across your wide-eyed, cackling face and the sound of sirens grows ever louder, there can be no doubt that branch of Wetherspoons will never short-change you again.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As the fat lorry driver tosses a crumpled £20 note into the toilet bowl before doing up his flies and leaving the cubicle, it dawns on you that your acting career really isn't going according to schedule.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sex can be a beautiful expression of love, a release of pent-up desire or an escape from the daily worries of the world. But in your case, with that thing sticking out of your neck, it would be a miracle.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Jupiter continues to make your work life hell by filling your desk drawer with medical waste and rubbing the end of his penis across your phone receiver while you’re using it. Still it is his company so he can do what he wants.