Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Marinate in red wine overnight on Christmas Eve, rub with garlic, pan fry with shallots, ginger and chilli, roast gently for two hours, allow to cool, then throw out and desperately phone every takeaway in town attempting to order a pizza.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your secret Santa this year contains a pair of odor eaters, a ten pack of Boots Staydry pull-up belted incontinence pads, a bumper bottle of Febreze and a large tube of 'personal area' deodorant.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Boom shakalakalaka, boom shakalakalaka, boom shakalakalaka boom. And so forth.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Take it easy this week because this is an accident-prone time for you when driving, walking, jogging or standing still beneath the rapidly growing shadow of a grand piano.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Venus helps you find out where you are emotionally right now, but if you're driving long distances this Christmas, it's hard to beat the Garmin Nuvi 255 with its easy-to-read widescreen and full EU mapping.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Great news on the job front when after arguing for eight hours in the pub about Arsenal's best starting XI you're offered the manager's post by their chairman who was listening at the next table. 

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you make the final payment on that crippling loan that’s dogged your life for the last five years. Time to celebrate with a holiday, a 50-inch plasma screen TV, and a brand new car.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Really? You honestly can't hear that? It's your phone, isn't it? I mean, it's on your desk, the screensaver is a gurning photo of one of your ugly kids and it’s been ringing for the past five minutes. Can you just. Please. Answer. Your Fucking. Phone.