Horoscopes

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As the flames dance shadows across your wide-eyed, cackling face and the sound of sirens grows ever louder, there can be no doubt that branch of Wetherspoons will never short-change you again.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As the fat lorry driver tosses a crumpled £20 note into the toilet bowl before doing up his flies and leaving the cubicle, it dawns on you that your acting career really isn't going according to schedule.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sex can be a beautiful expression of love, a release of pent-up desire or an escape from the daily worries of the world. But in your case, with that thing sticking out of your neck, it would be a miracle.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Jupiter continues to make your work life hell by filling your desk drawer with medical waste and rubbing the end of his penis across your phone receiver while you’re using it. Still it is his company so he can do what he wants.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
'Indefatigable' is a useful watchword until October. After that try 'shibboleth' until mid-November, then, in the run-up to Christmas, 'pandiculation' or 'furphy'.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It's about that ringtone of yours. The one of that terrorist puppet shouting 'I Keell You!' Well, the thing is, unless you delete it immediately, I will 'keell' you. So, you know, something to think about there.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Break your dependence on homeopathy by drinking a litre of water with a trace of gullible moron dissolved in it. See? You're cured!

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A fortnight of constipation has turned you into a walking timebomb. Drink a gallon of strong coffee then lock yourself in your bathroom. Tape the doors shut. And don't forget your snorkel.