Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) On Sunday you board a ghost train, filled with decrepit, dead-eyed spectres who nobody dare approach, then you enter the next carriage and realise that was just First Class. 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) Little sympathy from your boss this morning when you phone in asking for compassionate leave due to Twitter getting rid of the 'Favourite' function.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Sunday's morning Quidditch game sees you swallow the Golden Snitch and get disembowelled by feral, magic-crazed children. I know, again. 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) This is the week you finally reduce your gambling addiction to manageable levels by restricting yourself to the 2p waterfalls. 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) You ‘danced like nobody’s watching’, but they were watching and they filmed you and it's gone viral. 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) This weekend, you recognise that your interest in music only extends as far as stealing it, not listening to it. 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) Like Mariah Carey you are an Aries, and like Mariah Carey you are in the middle of a 26-show residency at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas because that's how this works.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
 Scorpio enters your sign tomorrow night, crawling across your face while you're asleep and sucking moisture out from under your eyelids.