Horoscopes

Psychic Bob: The pink Hungry Hippo is Pisces and the green one is Libra

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You've always wondered why, of all the insults Kirsty MacColl throws at Shane McGowan in Fairytale of New York, she never once mentions his teeth.

Psychic Bob: They secretly call you 'the goose'

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You realise you've been a bit lonely lately when you respond to a text from your phone provider by asking what they're up to later.

Psychic Bob: Have your first bite of mince pie before pulling a disgusted face and spitting it out

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Now it's December you can have your first bite of mince pie before pulling a disgusted face and spitting it out again.

Psychic Bob: After your biscuits are stolen you decide to burn down the building

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) After some custard creams are accidentally eaten from your desk today, you have no option but to set fire to the building as a retaliatory measure.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) You can't complain about websites and their use of cookies, given your use of cookies as a substitute for parental love.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) On Sunday you board a ghost train, filled with decrepit, dead-eyed spectres who nobody dare approach, then you enter the next carriage and realise that was just First Class. 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) Little sympathy from your boss this morning when you phone in asking for compassionate leave due to Twitter getting rid of the 'Favourite' function.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Sunday's morning Quidditch game sees you swallow the Golden Snitch and get disembowelled by feral, magic-crazed children. I know, again.