Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You've always wondered why, of all the insults Kirsty MacColl throws at Shane McGowan in Fairytale of New York, she never once mentions his teeth.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You realise you've been a bit lonely lately when you respond to a text from your phone provider by asking what they're up to later.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Now it's December you can have your first bite of mince pie before pulling a disgusted face and spitting it out again.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL) After some custard creams are accidentally eaten from your desk today, you have no option but to set fire to the building as a retaliatory measure.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) On Sunday you board a ghost train, filled with decrepit, dead-eyed spectres who nobody dare approach, then you enter the next carriage and realise that was just First Class.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY) Little sympathy from your boss this morning when you phone in asking for compassionate leave due to Twitter getting rid of the 'Favourite' function.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Sunday's morning Quidditch game sees you swallow the Golden Snitch and get disembowelled by feral, magic-crazed children. I know, again.