Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) With high levels of homelessness amongst ex-servicemen, you’re relieved that Prince William has managed to find some digs.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) If all else fails, it will be exactly like the rest of your crappy life.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Suck it and see. Actually, you might want to see it before you agree to suck it.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Virgo enters your sign this week, patting his pockets and humming distractedly for a moment, before wandering out again.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You know what Hollywood should do? They should make a film where two photogenic supernatural races are battling and humanity is stuck in the middle.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) On Saturday you return your sausage dog to the pet shop, because the sausages he makes taste revolting.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Following The Sun’s decision to put a paywall on their website, you decide to put a padlock on your wheelie bin.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Sitting in a beer garden with a pint of lager and a fag – is there any better way to watch the sun come up?