Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) A shaky start to your summer holiday this weekend when Kate Moss, Ian Brown and Peter Buck board the row in front of you.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) On Friday you will smear pudding on Nicole Scherzinger's face and rather than laugh, she'll go f**king spare.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Trouble at work this week, when the search for a missing stapler uncovers your life-sized Gregg Wallace doll made of Post It notes.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) You're a big fan of steampunk, as it's much more healthy than fried punk.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Having not shaved for a week you realise your beard actually looks quite distinguished. Now to find some earrings to go with it.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) On Thursday you'll go into a little booth and do what you do every five years. Have a shower.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) This week for your 18th birthday you get to open the sealed box your parents put together the day you were born. Inside is a slip of paper saying 'Get a job'.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You sicken me. No, not you, the one stood next to you.