Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Zombies, for f*ck’s sake? What are you, 12?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) You watch Home Alone on rewind, where it’s about a family who’ll only adopt a boy once he’s proven he can knock shite out of burglars.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) This week you buy your girlfriend some Jimmy Choo perfume because you’ve always wanted to go out with somebody who smells like feet.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Since you ask, I don't think strippers accept Nectar points.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) You’ve had no booze or fags since New Year ’s Day which would be impressive if you weren’t trapped under a wardrobe.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) This week you will convince a court that it’s possible to embarrass a man who calls himself ‘Rocknroll’.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) You're still convinced that the fireworks on December 31st were to celebrate that massive shit you had.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Shot through the heart and you're to blame, you give love a bad name. Not to mention archery tuition.