Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) The death of Hugo Chavez hits you pretty hard until somebody tells you he wasn't a footballer.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) After buying a pin cushion you now have really comfortable pins.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Apparently, The Wonderstuff’s Size Of A Cow contains traces of Jethro Tull’s Heavy Horses.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Zombies, for f*ck’s sake? What are you, 12?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) You watch Home Alone on rewind, where it’s about a family who’ll only adopt a boy once he’s proven he can knock shite out of burglars.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) This week you buy your girlfriend some Jimmy Choo perfume because you’ve always wanted to go out with somebody who smells like feet.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Since you ask, I don't think strippers accept Nectar points.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) You’ve had no booze or fags since New Year ’s Day which would be impressive if you weren’t trapped under a wardrobe.