Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Your application to the Elite Singles website is turned down when you try to pay the registration fee in Nectar points.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) People say you're like Marmite – a lot of them want to stick a knife in you.
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) For this year's 'talk like a pirate' day you threaten to shoot Tom Hanks.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) Your first day as a vicar on Monday will be a baptism of fire. As a result it will be your last day, too.
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) No, you're not a humanitarian. You're a human IT Aryan.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Give a man a fish and it will totally confuse him. Especially if you're in a nightclub.
Taurus (20 APRIL - 20 MAY) Looks like summer is over. For you anyway, unless your appeal comes through.