Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Gimme a ‘P’! Gimme a ‘s’! GImme a ‘y’! Gimme a ‘c’! Gimme a...hello? Are you still there?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Oops! Psychic Bob is over capacity. Please wait a moment and try again. Or just try living your own life, for f*ck’s sake.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Life’s too short to have regrets. Yours is, anyway.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You realise that Men In Black 3 is not only a dreadful sequel, it also describes the number American men whose bank accounts are in credit.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It's not unusual for a doctor to ask for a stool sample but it is generally considered bad form if they do it on a first date.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You've managed to ride out the recession thus far by using the simple expedient of having bugger-all money to begin with.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If I only could, I’d make a deal with God and I’d get him to swap our places. So you can do some washing up for a f**king change.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Paying to join that uniform dating site proves a total waste of money as there’s nobody else on it dressed as a snowtrooper from Empire Strikes Back.