Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Unless it’s golf, in which case hate both.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) It's a constant source of disappointment to you that Cape Town isn't full of superheroes.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Bad news from the adoption agency, after you asked if they had any non-union ones that could work a 12-hour shift.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Only by facing your fears can you overcome them. Unfortunately your fear is of faces.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) This week, why not convince people you’re not a psychopath by not committing a string of sickening, psychotic murders 50 years ago?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Findus have so far showed no interest in your bright green processed potato product called ‘HULK SMASH’.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) Scientists have worked out what the atmosphere on Mars would smell like. Bad news – it’s your mum.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) This week you promise to give your boss 110%. You really are the world's shittest accountant.