Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) The death of Hugo Chavez hits you pretty hard until somebody tells you he wasn't a footballer.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) After buying a pin cushion you now have really comfortable pins.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Apparently, The Wonderstuff’s Size Of A Cow contains traces of Jethro Tull’s Heavy Horses.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) Zombies, for f*ck’s sake? What are you, 12?
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) You watch Home Alone on rewind, where it’s about a family who’ll only adopt a boy once he’s proven he can knock shite out of burglars.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) This week you buy your girlfriend some Jimmy Choo perfume because you’ve always wanted to go out with somebody who smells like feet.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Since you ask, I don't think strippers accept Nectar points.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) You’ve had no booze or fags since New Year ’s Day which would be impressive if you weren’t trapped under a wardrobe.