Horoscopes

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Good news as the Jedi religion opts out of gay marriage. Lucas made Han & Leia, not Fran and Leia.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG) You're unconcerned about diseased ash trees because you know all plants go to Heaven.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Temporarily giving up drink wasn't easy but as the 30th approaches you feel it's been a worthwhile half-hour.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) Why not liven up a boring day at work by starting the shut-down process on your computer, then quickly trying to write an email?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) House hunting can be tedious so why not slap the walls and ask the owner if they’d take a sex harness load in excess of 300lbs?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) The boozer on your street is declared a 'gastro-pub' by locals because it serves cheese toasties.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) You’ve always managed to avoid tension in the office by being absolutely unemployable.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY) It appears the producers of Paranormal Activity 4 are running out of ideas, as you find you've paid £10 to watch paratroopers acting in an unremarkable way.