Your Astrological Week Ahead

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Feeling too tired to go out and have some fun? Stay in and masturbate.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Love can sometimes leave you feeling inverted, and unsure about which way to turn. But it’s more likely you’ve just gone bi-sexual.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Before you give your heart to someone new be sure they can be trusted with it. And that they have the funds to pay for it.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Take a chance on love! Ask a stranger out on a date. Flirt with your crush. Smile at the hottie on the bus. Appear before the magistrates. Spend two years in jail getting arse banged.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Be on your guard for overly flirtatious co-workers. They are desperate and much easier to shag

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Why hesitate when true love could be lurking around the corner? Get down that alley and leave your knickers behind. You’re ready for romance!

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Your drive for success at work is impressive, why not apply it towards your love life as well? If he still won’t do that thing you asked him to do down there then give him a written warning.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Take action if you want results! Waiting around for someone else to make the first move could take forever, and your husband is expecting you home in an hour.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Get your ego out and start tooting your own horn. Otherwise there is no point in being double jointed

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Pretend to listen to a friends' problems with her love life. It will be less boring for you and you might get needy-sex afterwards.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

You're feeling a little worried about what people are saying about you behind your back – don’t worry, no one even knows you are alive.