Your Astrological Week Ahead
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Do you have a dating strategy or are you just winging it? If it’s the latter, don’t wing it too often or you will go blind.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
At work, try sneaking some nuts into your colleagues salad to see if she really does have that allergy she’s always boasting about. I bet she can’t even spell anaphylactic.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Upgrade your expectations when it comes to dating. From now on a pulse should be a minimum!
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Invite some like-minded friends to join you and your honey for an old-fashioned double date, then suggest an orgy.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Surprise your wife with breakfast in bed. That will teach her to sleep with your best friend when she thinks you are away on business.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your recent hopes for a fun date have been thwarted by a jealous friend. You’re only after sex and she’s been married to him for years. What’s her problem?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You love your sweetie, but sometimes their little quirks do drive you crazy! Beat the shit out of them until they stop.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Sometimes love can strike from long distance. But not in your case, hamster prick.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Use meditation techniques to help refocus on your love goals. If that doesn’t work go back to pornography.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The attraction you're feeling for your partner is smoking hot! Start the night with some raunchy dancing at a club, then try out a different set of moves back home! Then have sex.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your trusting nature is one of your better qualities. Can you lend me fifty quid until pay day?