Your Astrological Week Ahead


Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Do you have a dating strategy or are you just winging it? If it’s the latter, don’t wing it too often or you will go blind.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

At work, try sneaking some nuts into your colleagues salad to see if she really does have that allergy she’s always boasting about. I bet she can’t even spell anaphylactic.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Upgrade your expectations when it comes to dating. From now on a pulse should be a minimum!

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Invite some like-minded friends to join you and your honey for an old-fashioned double date, then suggest an orgy.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Surprise your wife with breakfast in bed. That will teach her to sleep with your best friend when she thinks you are away on business.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Your recent hopes for a fun date have been thwarted by a jealous friend. You’re only after sex and she’s been married to him for years. What’s her problem?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

You love your sweetie, but sometimes their little quirks do drive you crazy! Beat the shit out of them until they stop.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Sometimes love can strike from long distance. But not in your case, hamster prick.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Use meditation techniques to help refocus on your love goals. If that doesn’t work go back to pornography.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

The attraction you're feeling for your partner is smoking hot! Start the night with some raunchy dancing at a club, then try out a different set of moves back home! Then have sex.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your trusting nature is one of your better qualities. Can you lend me fifty quid until pay day?

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