Your Astrological Week Ahead


Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

See work differently today. Go in sober and get drunk at lunchtime instead.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Pamper your mind and body this week. Eat healthy food, do some exercise and then perhaps yoga and some frenzied masturbation.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Whether it's entertaining yourself in a boring meeting or making strangers laugh as you are waiting for the bus, you are always the life of the party. What an annoying bastard

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Yes, your relationship with your husband is important to you, but don't forget to sleep with the other people in your life.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Sometimes you think discovering gravity was easier than finding a nice guy interested in more than just sex. But then you just put you knickers in your handbag and forget about it.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Have an informal get together and invite friends you haven't seen in awhile. Some of them must have forgotten how boring you are.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Are you starting to feel like you're in a three-legged race? Tonight take one tablet not two.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

When love keeps driving by without stopping to say hello it can be a total drag. Just wait until it starts shooting at you out of the car.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Dreams are especially important to you right now. That is because your real life is shit.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Spend some time today catching up with family and friends and tomorrow you should be able to pay off enough of your drug debts so they won’t kill you.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Are you the one your friends always call when they have a problem? Tell them to fuck off.

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