Your Astrological Week Ahead

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

You're full of high energy so put it to good use. Cross off as many tasks as you can on your To Do list. But don't forget to focus some of that energy on frenzied masturbation.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Your thoughts may not be clear but your intentions sure are. What did I tell you about leaving the house with your flies undone?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

It's a good day to take a chance on someone new. Your husband is working late and they are showing Champions League in the pub. He won’t be back until ten at the earliest.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

A troubled friend desperately needs your help in the ways of love as they have a tendency to trust the wrong type of person. Fake some concern and you should get sex no problem.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Finding true love is not easy, but not impossible. If you love yourself, others will soon pay attention – especially if you do it on the bus.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

You have what it takes to romance someone’s socks off, just not their underpants.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Friends want to see you today! Get a group together and head out for a fun activity everyone can participate in like dogging.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Dreams can reveal our most secret desires. Pervert.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Dating takes both initiative and patience. A van with the windows blacked out, chloroform and a spartanly furnished cellar will also come in handy.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Don't be afraid of having strong and intense feelings for someone you may have just met. You weren’t last night.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Don't brag about your latest romantic conquests to your friends. One of them went to school with his wife.