Your Astrological Week Ahead

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

You have a lot to offer the right, lucky person. And herpes for the unlucky.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Why not use people you know to discover a fresh man to have intercourse with? If you best friend enjoys sleeping with him chances are you will too!

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

It's a good day for you to get things in order. Remember, its underpants before trousers.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

A deep understanding of a broken heart helps you help a friend who needs a shoulder to cry on. Appear genuine in your concern. It will make it much easier to con her into bed.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Today is a perfect time to be more extreme in your dating approach. If online personals aren't giving you the results you want, consider hiring a prostitute.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Communication isn't the same for both genders. While women like to vocalise their affections, men use actions instead of words. Is he rubbing his groin and pointing? He’s interested.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

You are struggling to find a balance between your personal needs and your social obligations. It might be harder than usual to pull yourself off.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Keep yourself open to romance in unexpected places. How about at home with your husband?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

You've got big ideas, but something is stopping you from making them happen. Could it be your utter stupidity?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Slow progress on your love life has you frustrated. Try some frenzied masturbation.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Express how your feel for your loved one the old-fashioned way – have an erection.