Your Astrological Week Ahead

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Conflicting messages: while the new Moon is a signal to start anew, Mercury's backside asks you to mop up its business. Now wash your hands.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

So much of what's happening around you involves mutual back-scratching. Why not ask them for a reach around instead?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Fresh out of ideas on how to meet someone new? That doesn’t surprise me.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

You long for a passionate long-term relationship, but don't rule out the value of just using someone for sex.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

You radiate a special kind of power that people gravitate towards today. Why not use it for evil?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Friends are concerned that lately you've been all work and no play. Prove them wrong by throwing another orgy, but this time make it one they'll never forget!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Explore your emotional side today – no one else will.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

You're feeling the urge to make a big splash at work. Borrow a workmate’s pen to break it in half afterwards to make sure it goes round the bend.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Today you're feeling great about life and it shows. So just stop it you annoying shit.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Instead of a whirlwind romance, a slower courtship could be exactly what you need to redeem your faith in Cupid. Or maybe just a handjob.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Are you sure you don’t want your indecision to hold you back?