Your Astrological Week Ahead

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Lately it seems like you have more questions than answers. Why do you think that is?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Give yourself a much-needed chuckle by encouraging a blind old person to try and cross a busy dual carriageway.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

An ambiguous statement from your lover has got you puzzled. Don't spend too much time worrying about it. They’ve left.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

You're experiencing some symptoms that could just as easily be stress-related as actual signs of a health problem. Relax with some frenzied masturbation.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Your energy level is quite high and you will be in a good mood for much of the day at work. And then in the evening you will feel like shit.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

You feel the urge to aim for some big new goal at work. Good plan. Those fat ones are always so grateful afterwards.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You and your big ideas look set to take over the world – or at least your small part of it. Why not expand your horizons a little with an attack on Russia? 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

It's easy to be impatient with those around you today. So what the hell are you waiting for?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

As tense as your day-to-day life is, it's important to do something to keep up your level of amusement. Try poisoning a cat, slowly.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Treat your wife to an old fashioned dinner at home. And then treat yourself to an old fashioned rogering with her bent over the sofa. You deserve it.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

You and your partner both have things you want, and right now your desires are not matching up. Try a couple of centimetres higher and slightly to the left.