Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week, your growing sense of alienation, ennui and anger will be joined by something else beginning with a vowel. My guess is an embolism.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Saturn pops in from next door to give you a detailed review of your wife's fellatio technique. At least he brought back your lawnmower.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
An unsettled childhood and self-esteem issues have always made it difficult for you to commit to a relationship. Or maybe you're just a tart.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Whatever type of Centaur you are – sex-whore, granny fiddler or incompetent bedwetter – you disgust me. Utterly.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You've been sent back in time to kill the mother of the leader of the human resistance. But hang on: if you succeed there's no reason to send you back in the first place and so you should not exist. But if you do exist then you must have failed already so you may as well give up. Leave it with me.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Neptune and Jupiter have brought round an old car battery and some kind of metal wand thing. Just give them the money.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The moon is telling you to take some more of those little pills that make you want to dance all night.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You reach a new personal low this week after being thrown out of A&E for drinking all the alcohol gel handwash in the reception.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You've got the bit between your teeth, and a large-breasted Czech lady on your back beating your fat arse with a riding crop. Thursdays…

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The sun in Leo helps you see the long term with clarity and vision. Everyone and everything you love is going to die.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
When you finally get pulled over by the police with a blood-stained shovel in the boot of your car and half a dozen handbags on the back seat, try to come up with a better story than 'I'm a haberdasher whose cat just died.'