Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The full moon in your sign this Friday may distort reality, so be careful what drugs you take this weekend in case they distort it back, which would be a terrible waste of money.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Go on, tell us again about the time you did lines of gak in a nightclub bog with the bassist from Shed 7. Because that story never gets boring.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Calls are charged at 75p a minute from a BT landline, which really is astonishing value to talk to someone who could predict next week's lottery numbers if he wanted, but chooses not too, obviously.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Saturn has been stood in the cereals aisle for twenty minutes holding two virtually-identical boxes of muesli and muttering to himself. Run and dont stop running until you get home.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Mercury's influence fills you full of new hopes and ideas, but mainly a large amount of incredibly foul-smelling gas.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You come into a bar. You read some obscure passage and then pawn it off as your own idea just to impress some girls and embarrass my friend. I wish I had thought of that.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
According to your company's racial diversity co-ordinator 'blacking up' is not an acceptable way of integrating with your colleagues.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Trust me, there is no way that fusty old guy in the starched collar is going to kick off some huge Europe-wide conflict for the sake of a few dumb Poles. No, you just press full steam ahead.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your superficial charm, ready wit and air of mysterious sexual allure probably means most people will never find out what a morally bankrupt, vicious little wart you really are. Lucky you.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your first visit to your girlfriend's parents will go badly after you tell her mum she looks just like the star of your favourite bukkake DVD, and she reveals that she is, and asks you to get it out.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss. And lose, and start again at your beginnings, and never breathe a word about your loss, you might want to consider contacting Gamblers Anonymous.