Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
An unprecedented alignment of Venus, Saturn, Halley's Comet and a small cucumber has you speaking in a Dutch accent for the rest of the month.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Mercury moves back into your sign this week, just like that, and with no explanation of where he's been these past months and why he stinks of beer and has someone else's mobile number written in lipstick on his scrotum.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Career moves should be considered from all angles. There again that one with you on your knees looking upwards has proved pretty effective, so far.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You've travelled into the past using some weird sports car fitted with a flux capacitor and now your own mom is hitting on you big style. Let's face it, you can't help but be curious and the worse that can happen is you become your own father. What are you waiting for? Pump her!

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You'd describe your recent mood as one of crushing ennui, if you actually knew what ennui meant, you illiterate peasant.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week, you see a world in a grain of sand and a heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour. Excellent mushrooms.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You could learn from past mistakes and move on with new strength and direction. Or you could just dive straight back into another abusive relationship with an older man who looks like your father. I'll give you two guesses.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A bad week as you're thrown out of your Bible study group for suggesting Jesus would have looked like Yasser Arafat.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

You'll always remember her as the one that got away after she successfully identifies you in a police line up.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The recent new moon has bought a bottle of claret to the evening, along with a black-pudding, some best neck, a large onion and a pound of Maris Pipers. Hotpot!

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Remember to eat plenty of high-fibre foods and reduce your fluid intake to ensure your last day at work can be ended with a nice, fat turd on your desk.