Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your cry for help has finally been answered. By Satan.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After boring your four other friends solid for 10 years with the on/off relationship with the girl of your dreams, you eventually convince her to give up the job of a lifetime in Paris and raise your ugly spawn instead. And you weren't even one of the funny ones. You useless fucking gimp.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The new ring around Saturn has come as something of a surprise to myself and my fellow astrologers. I've checked and everyone's fine. Except you. I'm really sorry. Bloody Saturn eh?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You can create the illusion of space in your living room by leaving it, going and getting a job, and being able to afford somewhere bigger.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Don't allow your obsession to lead you into a cul de sac. There is a little-used lane running down the back of her house and a chink in the fence so you can see if she's getting undressed with the curtains drawn.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Psychologists agree that shame, guilt, repression and self-loathing are all destructive emotions but you really should be feeling all of those things, you repellent ape.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
If, when struggling to make yourself understood, all you do is talk louder and longer then you probably flew in from Luton and are on holiday in Spain.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If your local all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet always seems to be closed it's because they see your corpulent frame juddering over the horizon and slam down the shutters.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely, lonely times. And I guess I never told you I'm so happy that you're mine. If I made you feel second best, it's probably because you really, really were.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The ambience of a romantic meal for two can be infinitely improved if you would just wear some trousers.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You know those funny little flirty notes you've been sending round the office with the smiley face instead of a dot above the 'i'? They’re incredibly cute and endearing. No really.