Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Justifying your alcoholism by saying you never drink before midday is coming under increasing scrutiny as people start asking in which time zone this nominal midday is occurring.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No matter what you want to achieve long term you'll do it, not flashily but methodically with patience and perseverance as always, and that's what makes the rest of us so fucking sick of you.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Saturn is here to help you reconstruct your life, your roots, your home and your past. But he wants paying in cash, none of that VAT bullshit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Sitting on the pavement surrounded by your few meagre possessions that were dumped there by the bailiffs following your eviction, you consider whether that 18-month crack binge was worth it and decide that yes, it really was.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The relentless killing machine that burst forth from your colleague's stomach, was protected by a rogue simulant crew member and has annihilated everyone else on board has now set its sights in killing you before the whole ship explodes. And you're worried about your cat? Get a fucking boyfriend, for Christ's sake.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Get rid of old psychic garbage, emotional doubts, bad habits and all the other things that are stopping you from making your own decisions. But keep reading this stuff. Or you will die.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Harassing a colleague for being a gay, paraplegic, Jewish trade union member means you win the office hate-crime accumulator. Your prize is a signed copy of a photo of Nick Griffin punching a Sikh.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week your chronic hypochondria will mean your GP will miss some genuine symptoms of illness and forever after you'll be known as 'The boy who cried brain tumour'.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If work is getting you down, you've fallen out with a family member or your love life is on the rocks, why not consider keeping it to yourself for a change?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
That huge brain of yours is super-handy this week because the people around you are all ready for even more of your big ideas. They absolutely are.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You're bursting with pride this week as your four-year-old son tells a policeman to 'shit off'. He's going to be the Mozart of swearing one day.