Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Don't be afraid to be open, honest and upfront with the people who matter, but please make sure you carry on lying through your teeth to the sub-human retards you smilingly refer to as 'the real heroes in this business'.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You must separate out your priorities this week, for did not God tell Joshua that the sheep of the field, and the goats thereof and the camels also must be kept in isolation? Did he? I've no idea. Never read the damned thing myself.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You're feeling a lot more at ease with the world these days, and quite comfortable in your own skin, but, every so often, you do still like to dance around with your penis tucked between your legs while wearing the flayed remains of your last victim as a cape.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
As autumn paints red and gold across the trees, the careworn face of summer takes an aged aspect and the bushes shed their leaves in resignation, you walk through the park and wonder where you're going to be able to hide for a crafty wank between now and April.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
It's a happy sociable week for you where you're surrounded by people you know and love. In your head.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
A healthy, balanced diet of fresh fruit, vegetables and plenty of water will do you no good this week after you're trampled to death by a herd of bison.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Moon, opportunities, time of change, influence of Capricorn, foreign travel, bestial incest. That enough for you to be getting on with?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You'll learn this week that honesty, patience and hard work are their own reward, as your minimum wage barely covers your travel expenses.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Scorpio, Sagittarius, and the Gemini twins form a boy band this week and their first single is a haunting ballad version of Ministry's 'Jesus Built My Hotrod'.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Venus in your money zone asks you to do something unusual this week, and you'll do it, but you'll feel sick and ashamed afterwards, for about half-an-hour, until you get the new shoes.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After a six-month cocaine binge fuels your rage and paranoia to epic levels, you gun down your best friend for sleeping with your sister, not realising they just got married. This is going to make the wedding reception unbelievably awkward.