Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
As an advertising executive you've always been told that sex sells anything, but that still does not excuse your forthcoming account pitch to Pampers.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
In any given situation, you always ask yourself 'What would Jesus do?' and as a result you’ve been doing an awful lot of cabinet work recently and speaking Aramaic.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your 12 year-old daughter has just come downstairs and wet herself while you are trying to hold a nice dinner party. Why not watch her do unspeakable things with a crucifix and then tie her to the bed until she turns green and her head spins round before getting a priest to throw himself out of her bedroom window? That should fix it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It's good that you're focusing on changing the way you present yourself to the world, but what’s going on inside you? Looks to me like the same petty minded spiteful nastiness as usual.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
It's a sexy time for your sign this week as a blow to the head leaves you with incurable erotomania and you're arrested in Waitrose for dry-humping a Savoy cabbage.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Instead of withdrawing from your lottery syndicate the week before they win the jackpot, keep on paying £5 a week for the rest of your life for precisely fuck-all.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Don't let your emotions cloud your thinking this week. Let them cloud it next week instead.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
There's a major upheaval on the home front this week when your house is demolished to make way for a new industrial waste incinerator. What's odd though is that both your immediate neighbours are actually celebrating.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You've made a number of mistakes recently but there's no sense in beating yourself up over them as a large gang of burly men will soon be doing that for you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A period of financial difficulty will end soon and the prospect of foreign travel will emerge as that terrifying man in your local pub makes you a business offer you cannot refuse involving a return ticket to Jamaica, fifty condoms and a jar of goose fat.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A visit to the cinema will see you simply overwhelmed by the quiet poetic power of Jane Campion's latest masterpiece while your mother sits in the screen next door stuffing her face with nachos while watching a load of aliens blow shit up.