Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you'll stop worrying about all those police warnings of strange, angry man lurking around your housing estate with his hands wedged permanently down the front of his pants. It was you all along.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It's been a rough time for you recently, what with the illness, unwanted pregnancy, drug addiction, family bereavements and relentless bullying. You're going to be fabulous on the X-Factor. If only you could dance.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

You're invited to visit an island amusement park stocked with cloned dinosuars. Go ahead, the chances of a corrupt employee turning off the security system after being bribed by some rogue corporation to steal eggs and thus allowing hundreds of killer velicoraptors to escape and terrorise you and your companions have got to be virtually nil.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Don't let past errors come back to haunt you at work. Lie about them and blame others, especially that guy in your team who's been having some mental problems recently. Life is grand, is it not?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your stag weekend in Eastern Europe gets completely out of control after you follow through on a dare to assassinate the Archduke of Austria. Hopefully no one will notice.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Start spreading the news. You're leaving today. You'll make a brand new start of it, but I'm afraid your name will still be on the register until July 2019 at the earliest.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you're having issues with a work colleague, why not send them one of those passive-aggressive emails and copy their boss in on it? Everybody loves it when they get one of those.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A productive week as you crush your friend's gentle Christian faith under the relentless heel of your humourless atheism, leaving them bereft of hope, solace or joy. Serves the fucker right.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week your text message is read out on the Chris Moyles show, broadcasting your cretinous personality so much further than you could ever have achieved in your own nauseatingly pointless lifetime. And isn't that what the BBC is for?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you will read an article on the internet that will, at long last, convince you to start drinking your own urine.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Some reasonable news on the relationship front when on the way out of the newsagents with this week's haul of jazz mags you bump into a stunning blonde who reveals herself to be the centrefold from the very issue of Razzle she had just made you drop onto the pavement and then immediately invites you back to her flat for incredible sex which just goes on and on and on until just before the start of Harry Hill's TV Burp.