Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This is the last week of Uranus going backward in your sign. So from next week Uranus will be going forward, which, at the very least, should break the ice at parties.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Okay so you've broken your leg and you're stuck in your house and bored. Is that any justification for spying on your neighbours? It's not like you're going to catch one of them murdering his wife or anything.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your office manager's insistence on having Magic FM playing in the background at all times leaves you humming Dido tunes all day and contemplating a massacre.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you finally bump into somebody from school who appears to be doing worse than you are. Unfortunately, she will be mugging you for the last of your crack.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Reveal your plan for a major re-organisation of your department with a power-point presentation of the new 'work-flow' while describing it as  a 'synergy enabling holistic re-positioning'. People are always incredibly impressed by that kind of thing.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A spiritualist puts you in touch with your recently deceased uncle, who will angrily ask why you're bothering him, and why do you think he committed suicide in the first place.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A spiritual time for you as Channel 5 show a double bill of Sister Act and Nuns On The Run. Robbie Coltrane dressed as a woman – what's not to love?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Walking away from the glory hole, covered in shame and a stranger's intimate fluids, you start to wonder whether this really is any way for a Supreme Court judge to behave.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
An exceptional convergence of all the major planets in your star sign sees you kicked out of Virgo and knocking on Gemini's door with all your belongings in a bin bag.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your job interview starts badly when, just before everyone sits down, you pat your potential boss on the arse and ask for a cup of tea and a 'gobble'.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The Christmas shopping is done, right down to the last mejool date, so while everyone else is dashing madly around the increasingly crowded streets you can sit back and relax, and congratulate yourself on being so well organised. You fucking prick.