Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you're bored, why not try visiting your local magistrates court and shouting 'Objection, your honour!' at inappropriate moments until you're thrown out?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon. You come and go. You come and go.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

I wouldn't waste too much time telling your naive teenage daughter just what's going on right now with her downstairs area. It's not like the unexplained traumatic onset of puberty is going to make her develop tele-kinetic powers that she'll use to to murder all her tormentors at school and then pin you to the door with a load of flying knives.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Loving would be easy if your colours were like my dreams. Red, gold and green. Red, gold and green.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
After spendng all last weekend re-watching every episode of all five seasons of The Wire on DVD, why not spend this week telling your colleagues, all of whom own a television and therefore had every opportunity to watch it but didn't, just what they have been missing.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you are kidnapped by aliens only to be returned to earth almost immediately after they strip you naked but decide not to use for a sexual experiment after all. It appears your bottom's all wonky.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Mars has stoked up the fire, smeared himself in fragrant oils and challenged you to wrestle him naked. Scared? Excited? Perhaps a little of both? Don't worry, it doesn't make you a bad person.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A great day for your creative side as you invent a new cocktail involving Tippex and Dubonnet and then redecorate your bedsit using final demand letters and 'home made wallpaper paste'.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
To a certain extent your life is ruled by other people's decisions at the moment. But if you don't like it then maybe you shouldn't have joined the army in the first place, you total muppet.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week's full moon should inspire you to sew up a few loose ends at work, that or your second appearance this month in front of the professional standards committee of the General Medical Council.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you're stressed, gently massage your temples for 20 minutes using a smooth, circular motion before kicking the bastarding fuck out of everything in the house.